How to Hold Space
Learning to hold space for people you love is an essential relationship skill. In this episode, Libby breaks down what holding space is, why it's important, and how to practice it
--------------
Show Links:
What it Means to Hold Space for Someone by Heather Plett: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/11-things-that-will-help-you-hold-space-for-someone-0523175
11 Ways to Hold Space for Someone by Reaca Pearl: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/11-things-that-will-help-you-hold-space-for-someone-0523175
Morgan Burch: https://www.instagram.com/goodmorgantherapy/
--------------
Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life.
Go to https://libbysinback.com/workbook to get your copy.
Transcript:
Libby Sinback:
So tell me if this scenario might be familiar to you.
Libby Sinback:
You are sitting down with someone you care about and they start to unload about their day or about something difficult that they're struggling with. And as you listen to what they're saying, you can see pretty quickly how to help them or how they might be able to look at things differently, or how they might be at least partly responsible for their situation. And because they're bringing this difficult situation to you or telling you about a rough day they had and you love them and you want to help, you immediately launch in with your thoughts. And that doesn't go well. And sometimes it even turns what you were hoping would be a connecting and stress reducing conversation into a tense discussion or even a big fight. So today I'm going to offer you the antidote to this troublesome scenario, which is something that has literally changed my life for the better and something I now probably use every single day. So stay tuned.
Libby Sinback:
Welcome to Making Polyamory Work. Hi, I'm Libby Sinback and I want to thank you for being with me today. I help people who live in love outside the status quo have extraordinary relationships because relationships are at the core of our well being as humans. I think love is why we're here and how we heal. Today I'm bringing back an episode from the Vault. And like, it is really, really, really from the Vault. It is from February 25, 2020, so six years ago. And it's an episode that was initially
Libby Sinback:
titled no Advice Please.
Libby Sinback:
And now I'm titling it how to Hold Space, y'.
Libby Sinback:
All.
Libby Sinback:
I'm bringing this back because I think this is such an essential skill in relationship that I feel like is lost. And I understand why it's hard to hold space.
Libby Sinback:
I historically have not been a great
Libby Sinback:
space holder, even though that is literally what I do for a living now.
Libby Sinback:
I had to learn how to do it.
Libby Sinback:
And so I want to share this because I think this is a skill that every human who wants to have better relationships needs to have. And I don't just mean relationships with your partners. I mean relationships with your children, with your friends, with your parents, with anybody with whom you want. Any kind of closeness where you are sharing things about what's happening for each other.
Libby Sinback:
And the more you're able to do
Libby Sinback:
this, the better your relationships will be,
Libby Sinback:
I think, even if it's one way,
Libby Sinback:
even if you're doing it and the
Libby Sinback:
other person doesn't know how to.
Libby Sinback:
So I hope you listened to the episode. And so that's why I'm bringing the episode back because I think it needs to be said more than once, rather than it just be this one episode that I did six years ago. And I want to give a shout out to one of my listeners and super fans who had a conversation with me recently and shared that some of these skill based episodes have been enormously useful. And they're some of my earliest episodes. And I mean, I believe that this episode was episode number 21. So I'm bringing them back in part because he was telling me how valuable they were to him and how valuable he thinks they are in general. And they might be the ones you skip over because you're looking at some of the ones that are speaking to difficulties or problems or challenges that you have. These skills are good for everybody, no matter what.
Libby Sinback:
So in case you don't know what
Libby Sinback:
holding space is, I do describe it
Libby Sinback:
in the episode, but I'm going to share it here too. Holding space is really listening to someone without an agenda and without judgment, being sort of a sacred witness to what they are sharing, without fixing, without judgment, without doing anything but being there for them. And the beauty of this, I think is, first of all, it increases closeness. It really is a gift to give someone care in this way. And also it helps them trust themselves better.
Libby Sinback:
Like if you can show up and
Libby Sinback:
witness without trying to fix or judge or change them in any way, or change what they're saying or how they're feeling, or having your own reaction to it. If you can instead just be a witness to them and hold space for them, then oftentimes what happens is they figure out their own solution to whatever's going on for them, or they shift their own perspective on it just by being witnessed. That changes everything. And we know that's scientifically the case. Like when we witness Adams, they change. Like their behavior changes just by being witnessed.
Libby Sinback:
And I think that makes so much sense because a lot of times the
Libby Sinback:
way that we know ourselves is through other people holding up a mirror to us. And holding space is one of the most beautiful ways to do that. And also it's really healing because if you're able to be with someone and witness what they're feeling and thinking and what's happening for them without judgment or agenda, then you're saying to them, I accept you exactly as you are. I can be with you exactly as you are. So it also gives the gift of feeling held and seen and accepted and loved. So I don't think I can oversell this skill. I don't think we know how to do it well. And I want to give a shout out to my colleague Morgan Burch, who came up with a really beautiful way to hold space.
Libby Sinback:
That's very simple. It's a very simple script. And I'll share it here because it's not in the episode because Morgan Burch wasn't putting out her content in 2020. What she says is, I hear your feeling or thinking or experiencing this. And then you reflect back what the person said that makes sense because. And then you say how it makes sense to you. Or I can see that because. And you can share, like just why that makes sense based on what you know about the person.
Libby Sinback:
You can also relate it back to
Libby Sinback:
yourself as long as you're not making it about you.
Libby Sinback:
Which, like, that makes sense to me because if I was in your situation, I'd feel the same way. Something like that.
Libby Sinback:
But then the last part is the best part.
Libby Sinback:
What else do I need to know? Or what else is going on? Or what am I missing? So asking a follow up question is also really helpful and asking a curious question and asking a question that assumes you don't know the whole story, that you don't know what's going on. It is so beautiful, y'. All. So, okay, I've done enough introing of this episode. I really want you to listen to it. I still stand by everything in it, which is great after six years. I also want to just share that I am offering something coming up in about a month. Actually just a little under a month.
Libby Sinback:
I'm coming out with a new offering and I'm telling you about it now because the only way you're going to
Libby Sinback:
initially find out about it is if
Libby Sinback:
you sign up for my email list.
Libby Sinback:
And that's not a manipulation tactic or anything like that. It's just the reality, y'.
Libby Sinback:
All. I can only extend things via a limited number of channels. I've discovered I'm kind of a failure at social media. Well, not a failure. I'm doing okay, but like, it's exhausting to me to be on social media. So I go there when I can, but I can't post there a lot. And so really the best way you're going to find out and get the insider scoop on what's going on is if you sign up for my email list. And I don't send out a lot of email.
Libby Sinback:
I'm pretty quiet a lot of the time. I share stuff when it feels right and I share offerings when I'm doing them. And you can always opt out of the if you don't want a lot of emails about my offerings. You can always opt out of them. But this offering is something that I think a lot of people who have been part of the Making Polyamory Work community for a while have been longing for, which is a way to connect with each other and a way to get more from me without having to sign up for one of my, like, intensive courses or sign up for individual or couples coaching with me, which can be time consuming as well and expensive. And so I'm offering something that is like a membership and there's going to
Libby Sinback:
be a whole bunch of things that
Libby Sinback:
come along with it. There's going to be a monthly call where you can have your questions answered. There's an opportunity and it's a little bit more than what the community call that I'm already offering for free offers. There's going to be an opportunity to ask questions and have me answer them via video. There's also going to be a chance for you to be matched with people who are in your same situation or in your same time zone or what have you so that you can create these like support pods together. I won't be managing those, but I will help match you with each other because I really believe the people who find their way to my spaces are some of the most amazing people. And I really want y' all to know each other. I really want y' all to be able to access support from each other.
Libby Sinback:
And so I want to facilitate that where y' all want it too. And to that end, I'll add one more thing that is going to be part of this membership, which is access to a Discord server just of folks in this membership. And again, this is going to be
Libby Sinback:
at an affordable, affordable price point.
Libby Sinback:
It's going to be, you know, you're
Libby Sinback:
not locked into anything, you can cancel
Libby Sinback:
anytime, and it's going to be sliding
Libby Sinback:
scale offerings as well.
Libby Sinback:
So I'm really excited about it.
Libby Sinback:
So if you want to find out
Libby Sinback:
about it, please sign up for my email list. Okay, now onto the episode.
Libby Sinback:
So some of you listening may already know exactly what I'm going to say here. And what I want to talk about is this idea of holding space for someone else. I'm going to talk to you about why holding space is such a crucial and magical skill to have for literally every relationship in your life. And then I'm going to go over the basics of how to practice it. But first, some of you listening may be asking to what I said in the introduction to this episode. Yes, I'VE been in that situation that you're describing. And yeah, it's really frustrating that my partner doesn't want my input or they get mad at me for giving them advice or they feel like I'm talking down to them or whatever. And it's really, really frustrating because I just want to help.
Libby Sinback:
And what's wrong with offering help, advice and valuable feedback? One reason to be in relationship is, as I've said before, to be a resource to one another. And I mean, you might be thinking, like I said in a previous episode back a few episodes, that we all have these blind spots. And part of what's great about being in relationships with other people is that those other people can help us see see our blind spots. And yes, I agree with that. I'll say that my partners, my friends, my family, they are my greatest allies in my personal growth. They all give me really great advice sometimes and they help me figure things out and they help me see things that I might not be seeing about myself. And definitely if I were never open to their feedbacks or their thoughts, I would be missing out on a big benefit of the relationships I have with those people. And also, if you follow me on social media, you'll probably have caught a post that I did a while back that one of my big love languages is accepting influence, which literally means that a big way to my heart is through accepting my advice or my feedback and getting a big result out of that that you're happy with.
Libby Sinback:
And that just lights me up and brings me so much joy. But here's the tricky part. It's not always the right time to give someone your advice or feedback. People really have to be ready to receive what you have to say in order for it to be something they can take in and actually use. And if you thrust it upon them when they're not ready, it can, well, at best be annoying, intrusive, officious, and at worst it's boundary violating. I really want you to sit with that for a minute because I think some of you listening might be thinking, if someone I love isn't going to listen to my opinions or my perspective, if they don't want my advice or my feedback, then they don't really value me. And I get that. I really relate to that feeling.
Libby Sinback:
I want to acknowledge that it can really hurt when someone brings a problem they're having to you and you have a great idea for them or a great suggestion or a shift in their perspective and the person you're talking to just doesn't want what you have to offer, but it's so good you could really help them. And I can imagine it can be really annoying to hear them maybe complaining about something over and over again and they're not dealing with it, they're not taking your advice, they're not doing the thing that's actually moving them through it. But I'm going to ask you, in that moment when you really want to say something, when you have a fantastic $0.02 to offer, who is that really for? Is it really for the person you care about or is it for you? You may be uncomfortable asking this question, and you might be uncomfortable to find that when you really look, giving advice or sharing your feedback is really for you and about you and not really
Libby Sinback:
about the person you want to help.
Libby Sinback:
I mean, like I said, I'm the first person to admit that if you're like me, you might like having influence over your partners. You might like knowing that when you give them something useful and they take it, that means you have an impact on their life. It can make you feel important and significant and valuable. Or maybe you're a fixer. Maybe you are not really that comfortable receiving discomfort from someone you care about and just being in those difficult emotions with them without fixing them. You want to make it better so that you can feel more comfortable. Or maybe you just think you know better. And I want to be really clear.
Libby Sinback:
I've totally been that person. I used to have a reputation as a real know it all. And I mean, now I've got this podcast where I just tell you what I think. I mean, you know.
Libby Sinback:
Anyway,
Libby Sinback:
I'm not saying any of these things are wrong per se. You might actually know better. And it's okay to want to help people you care about. It's okay that your heart goes out to the people you love and you want to soothe their discomfort and make things better. And sometimes the people you love want these things from you too. But sometimes it's the exact opposite of what they need. And I'd even argue most of the time it's like, really, it's really not what they need most of the time, especially if it's not something they're explicitly asking for. And it took me a really long time to understand this myself.
Libby Sinback:
I used to really just not understand why people didn't want and didn't take all the great advice I had to give them. But then I realized that part of what's going on there is if the person that I'm talking to isn't looking for my feedback and that I'm giving it to them unsolicited, then I'm taking a situation that is about someone I care about and I'm instead making it about me. And also I'm potentially making them feel like I think they're stupid because I might be offering up ideas that they've already considered or sharing feedback that they've already given themselves. And that can be pretty disempowering. This is a situation where there can be such a mismatch of intent and impact because I really do believe that you can have all the best and loving intentions in the world for the person you love. But if they're experiencing your input as unwelcome and unhelpful and intrusive and even potentially insulting, then you're really doing the opposite of what you want. And I think when you reflect on yourself and how you actually learn and grow, you know that it's true for you that you generally don't learn something or take something in until you are ready to receive it. And usually that's when you're looking for it and actively wanting it.
Libby Sinback:
So often what we really need from the people who love us isn't their education, isn't their input, but instead what we really need is their non judgment, their understanding and their comfort. We just need to be able to just be and be where we are with them, not alone. And sometimes we need their trust and their belief in us that we can navigate the challenges we're facing ourselves. And so holding space is a great way to give your partner that gift. And I want to be clear, it's a gift. It is very much something that you're doing for someone you love. I recently described holding space like giving someone you love an emotional massage. It's like really a one way gift.
Libby Sinback:
But again, if you like giving gifts to people, then it can be so. But anyway, you know how I said earlier that sometimes when you need to fix or give advice that you're making things about you? In this case, this is the opposite. Holding space is really centering the person you love who's struggling. You're listening to them deeply and demonstrating deep empathy and understanding and you're taking yourself and your ego completely out of it. You're holding your boundaries and you're respecting the boundaries of the person you care about and, and instead just giving them this really deep support and compassion. But I have to just tell you, like, it's so deeply healing to have someone hold space for you and so empowering too. If you're not fixing or Judging or talking down to or needing your loved one to take any particular action. If you're just letting them really be where they are and just being with them, you are giving them this amazing radical acceptance.
Libby Sinback:
And by holding off on giving advice, you're demonstrating that you have confidence in their ability to figure things out and navigate whatever they're dealing with. And they might not even be feeling that themselves in that moment. But sometimes just you being with them and giving them that can really build them up. Where giving unsolicited advice can sometimes feel patronizing, holding space demonstrates a huge amount of respect and trust. If you've never had this modeled for you, it might feel like a really foreign concept for so many people. I think fixing and helping and offering advice is a huge way they show love, and maybe it is for you too. But I firmly believe if someone can't receive love the way you're trying to show it, it's time to learn another dialect. And I think everyone, everyone should learn how to hold space.
Libby Sinback:
Well, I mean, I do it with my kids because sometimes, I mean, if you have kids, you this, like, oftentimes they are really not here for your advice at all. They really don't want to be told anything. They're like, I can do it myself. Leave me alone. But sometimes they really need you to hold space for their feelings and what's going on for them. And if you can just listen to them, sometimes they just really open up and that gives you that chance to really connect with them. And there are, of course, times and places for advice, and I'll touch on those at the end of this episode. But for now, what I want to do for you is I want to break down how you can hold space for someone in practical, simple steps.
Libby Sinback:
If you want a more comprehensive guide, though, I will share in the show notes some of my favorite articles on holding space, including the article by Heather Plett that first introduced me and many others to the concept. And she's just really amazing. So definitely check out her article. Now, some people might say that the first step in holding space is to check and see if the person that's talking to you actually wants that from you. And I mean, maybe they really do want advice, or maybe they're just conveying information to you and they don't actually need a lot of support. And that's not a bad idea to check. And if you're a person who's looking for some space holding, it's definitely a good idea to ask for that up front so you don't end up getting stuck with unsolicited advice because, you know, that can be really frustrating. But honestly, these days I tend to just start with holding space because I found that that's the best way to find out what else might be needed from me.
Libby Sinback:
And holding space doesn't have to take a long time. So I'm going to outline what that looks like. But I just want to go ahead and say that it's not really the steps that are so important. It doesn't. You don't have to do these in any particular order. These are more just different elements that really help to be there in a space. Holding conversation, you can kind of do them. There's no order really.
Libby Sinback:
So the first element I want to talk about in holding space is to get clear that in this moment it's not about you. You really, really want to be present for the person that you care about. And so you gotta let go of any agenda that you might have. And I want to acknowledge that this step is probably the hardest one. Feelings can come up when you're listening to someone who's struggling or who's sharing something difficult. And you may have to do some grounding and regrounding of yourself to really hold space. And this does take effort, which is why I don't consider holding space to be something that everyone has infinite capacity for. There's definitely limits for me and how often and how much I can hold space, especially if it's about a topic that's particularly triggering for me or that I have some kind of stake in.
Libby Sinback:
But because the goal for me is to care for someone I love and connect to them, I generally do try to offer it where I can and where it's needed. But definitely you got to take yourself out of it in order to do that. The second element is to just show a lot of interest and ask questions from the person talking to you to get more information. Who did what, how did that feel? Why was that hard for you? I will say it's really important as you ask questions to make sure you are not putting any judgment into the questions. Sometimes questions can come across as challenging and you really don't want that. You, you really are just trying to understand. So make sure that you're being curious here rather than asking questions like you're cross examining a witness. Another element to holding space is to communicate your understanding.
Libby Sinback:
So all that is is just summarize what you're hearing in your own words. If this sounds a little bit like active listening, it is. But in this case, when you're holding space. It's generally about an issue outside of the relationship between you and the person talking, rather than something that you're holding space, that you're listening, doing active listening because it's about you, which makes it a little easier, I think. And just like in the active listening practice, another element in holding space is then going to be naming and validating the emotions that you're seeing or that you're hearing and empathizing where you can saying things like, oh, wow, it sounds like you're really upset about this, or ah, I can really hear the grief in your voice here. And then, you know, when you're empathizing, it's just like, you know, oh, wow, I can see that, how hard that is. And I can really understand and wow, that's a real bummer, that kind of thing. Another great thing to do when you're holding space is to really empower the person talking, show that you trust them, express that you have faith in their ability to navigate this and acknowledge the work that they're doing, acknowledge the things that they're saying that they're working through and the ways that they've overcome these kinds of challenges in the past and make sure this is genuine.
Libby Sinback:
You definitely don't want to try to be like a rah rah, cheerleader, pep talker kind of person, because that's not holding space. Holding space is really just. Just really being with the person and being with them in the moment where it feels appropriate. Another element here is to offer care and soothing so you can offer them a hug or a cuddle or a cup of tea and sometimes, you know, a compliment that can feel really great. I want to make sure that these things are offers though, and not things that you're just thrusting on somebody. Again, this is want this to be something you're asking that they might like. So you can say, would you like a hug here? Could I say something nice to you right now to make you feel better?
Libby Sinback:
That kind of thing.
Libby Sinback:
I also want to add that while I am literally saying don't give advice or input here, if some kind of guidance is really like just coming up for you in the context of this conversation, you can ask permission to give that. A thing I often do is I say something like, hey, you know, something's really coming up for me as you're sharing this and would it be okay if I offer you some input or. Or would you just really like me to hold space right now? And if no is the answer, or even if the person is Just like, I don't know, maybe I would just back off and go back to holding space. And sometimes another element of holding space is to just really not say anything at all. You don't want to be totally passive, but like really just being really present with the person. And so sometimes it's not words, but it's just like eye contact, nodding, making, mmm, yeah, kind of sounds with the person. And I know I've already said it too, but I want to. I just want to say again that holding space really is a gift.
Libby Sinback:
I'm saying this in part because if you are a person who tends to do this a lot with people, if it's something that comes naturally to you and you do sort of default to it to the point where you do tend to maybe get exhausted by it or sort of feel like people are put putting things on you, please know that you do get to say that you're not up for holding space right now. My whole point in bringing this topic up is because I think so often we talk about respecting boundaries around things like touch and resources, but not enough around communication. And I think it's so important to get consent before giving advice and feedback. But I also think it's important to get consent before just dumping on someone and demanding they hold space for you. It's not cool to just expect people to give you one way, emotional support with. Without checking to see if the person's actually up for it. If someone's really low on energy, they might just not have it for you in that moment. And this concept of just checking in, getting consent, and respecting people's boundaries around communication, that might feel foreign to you too.
Libby Sinback:
And I really encourage you to just practice that. Practice making sure to get someone's attention, see if they're ready to really be there for you, and again, checking to make sure somebody's ready to receive your input. And I wouldn't be sharing this if this were something that came natural to me. This is not something I grew up with, grew up learning. But doing it has been a total game changer for me and all of my relationships. And when I teach it to my clients, it's a game changer for them too. So to recap, holding space is such a beautiful way to honor each other's boundaries, meet each other where we're at, really give each other the care that actually helps us and heals us. It's an intentional practice, definitely requires energy and attention, but can be so immensely gratifying and connecting to give and to receive.
Libby Sinback:
I encourage you to add it to your repertoire. And I also encourage you to get into the practice of just checking in and seeing what kinds of communication you and and your people are up to at any given moment.
Libby Sinback:
Thank you so much for joining me today. If you have any thoughts about this episode or a question you'd like me to answer on the show, I would love to hear from you. You can find me on Instagram hatpollyammom or you can find me on my website at libbysinback.com youm can also leave a comment on the episode on the Spotify platform and I read all of those and reply to most of them. If my podcasts are helping you but you feel like you'd like even more support, I do this for a living. I am a coach and I help individuals, couples and groups have amazing relationships. You can find out more about my offerings on my website. If you love this podcast, please share it with your friends, your networks, your Facebook groups, etc. And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss an episode.
Libby Sinback:
Also, if you listen on itunes or Spotify, it makes a really big difference if you leave a review or a comment because that helps more people find the show. And thank you so much to everyone who's already done that. Making Polyamory Work is created by me, Libby Sinback. It's edited by the team at Assistify Coaching and hosted on the Spotify Podcasts platform. Ioana Luca manages the website and posts the transcripts.
