Seriously! Compassion
This week Libby shares a re-release from December 2019 about the science of compassion, and why it's key to loving relationships, including the one with yourself.
SHOW LINKS
The Gottman Institute on Contempt
The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion
About the Carleton University Study on Self-Compassion and Procrastination
Transcript
Libby:
You. I just want you to take that in for a minute. Shame is just contempt pointed inward. And y'all, we don't get to break up with ourselves. And so instead, what we end up with is we're in an abusive relationship with ourselves, beating ourselves up over and over.
Libby:
So today's episode is actually a rerelease of an episode I did back in. 2019, if you can believe it.
Libby:
But I wanted to release it this week because I just did the compassion module in the foundations of open relating for wild and tender hearts, and I actually feel like we don't talk enough about compassion. And I pretty much stand by everything that I said in this episode, even though definitely my podcasting style has evolved over the years. It was really interesting listening to this back, but the information here is really solid and I just don't think we talk about compassion enough.
Libby:
So I'm going to talk about it again by talking about it the way I did in 2019. I hope you enjoy it.
Libby:
So some of y'all may have already figured this out about me, but I have a very loud self critic. When I'm not doing well, when I'm behind on work or I'm not being the best mom or partner or daughter or friend that I can be. When I drop the ball and forget something, or when my spaces are messy or whatever might not be perfect, I can see it immediately. And I used to really just berate myself over it constantly. And for a long time, I don't think I was even conscious of how much I liked to beat myself up. Having this harsh inner critic I noticed had some interesting side effects. First of all, even though I generally have always sought out and not really wanted to hide from people's constructive feedback, I was really only interested in hearing feedback that my inner critic hadn't already identified. Criticize me about something I already know to be true about myself or am secretly afraid is actually true.
Libby:
I would feel heartbroken or feel attacked or just fall apart. My self criticism is also, surprisingly, a powerful demotivator for me. I used to think that being hard on myself pushed me to improve and be better and maybe it does a little up to a point. But for the most part, my self criticism sends me into a spiral of shame and despair. This would just kill my ability to do anything at all, let alone fix problems or rise to excellence. And this makes sense. Brene Brown's work on shame has shown that shame leads us to hide from our mistakes, disconnect from others, ruminate and engage in self destructive behaviors. Shame is associated with depression, grief, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence.
Libby:
Being self critical and sliding into shame also often makes us as hard on others as we are on ourselves. Sometimes the only way we can see out of our own shame and despair is to turn that around and blame someone else or paint ourselves as the victim. Or perhaps we might just look around for someone else who is sucking at things worse than we are to make ourselves feel better. Seriously, how many times have you done this? I know I have. I may be having a hard time, but at least I'm not that parent who is letting their kid eat all their Halloween candy. Or at least I'm not doing polyamory the way that couple is. Or at least I'm not as problematic as that person or whatever. It's a very old trick, putting others down, even in your mind, to lift yourself up.
Libby:
This kind of behavior starts tipping into narcissism if you're a fan of the good place. A great example of this is the character Brent, who would do so much mental gymnastics to avoid any accountability or self reflection, and instead spent all of his time puffing himself up and putting others down. My theory is people who are like that, who do so much work to avoid facing any of their own harmful behavior or any responsibility, do it because they are so afraid of getting lost in the shame that they deflect everything on to other people. This kind of behavior is rooted in one of the most toxic emotions in relationships, contempt. McGobbins found that contempt, when it shows up in a relationship, is the single biggest indicator that the relationship is going to end within five years. But here's the sneaky part. Terry Real, one of my mentors, has offered that shame is just another form of contempt, but instead of pointed out at others, it's pointed at ourselves. I just want you to take that in for a minute.
Libby:
Shame is just contempt pointed inward. And, y'all, we don't get to break up with ourselves. And so instead what we end up with is we're in an abusive relationship with ourselves, beating ourselves up over and over again. So I want to encourage you to get off this contempt. Merry Go Round and give yourself the gift of self compassion. Self compassion, being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress or failure, has been a huge part of me being able to quiet down my inner critic, which still beats up on me sometimes, but not to the point where I fall apart. Self compassion has been the subject of numerous research studies by psychologists in recent years. Kristen Neff at the University of Texas, Austin has been a trailblazer in this area of study, and what she and others have found is that self compassion is more important than even self esteem when it comes to being successful in life and love.
Libby:
Here's just one example. At Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, researchers tracked the procrastination of students over a semester. Lots of students put off studying and writing papers, but not every student made a habit out of it. Students who were harder on themselves the first time they procrastinated studying for an exam were surprisingly way more likely to procrastinate again, and for longer when the next exam came up than the students who were more forgiving of themselves. And I'm telling you, in experiment after experiment on self compassion, researchers have found that self compassion contributes to higher performance, more balanced approach to negative emotions, a greater ability to recover from failure and receive constructive feedback, a higher motivation to improve, cultivating a growth mindset and better self control, and even greater authenticity and capacity for vulnerability, and also better relationships. I realize that you may initially resist this idea of self compassion. You probably don't want to let yourself off the hook because you're afraid that if you do, you're more likely to self indulge and let everything slide into chaos. Maybe you think you need your shame and perfectionism to motivate you to be your best self and be accountable to others.
Libby:
But self compassion is the true key to accountability, and this is why self compassion is so important to relationships. Researchers have found that taking a self compassionate point of view on a personal failure makes people more likely to take personal responsibility for the failure than when they take a self critical point of view. They are also more likely willing to receive feedback and advice from others and more likely to learn from the experience. When we are stuck in shame and beating up on ourselves, we tend to feel helpless, worthless, and look around to numb our feelings or escape. Or if we're fighting to stay out of the shame, then we'll instead, again, we'll turn the blame on others. We'll push back hard against taking any responsibility for challenges and mistakes and be harsh with the people we care about, being able to let go of that shame also means nothing to run away from or avoid or numb. It's easier to reflect on failure and easier to believe that you can do better next time. Being unafraid of falling into the pit of shame and meeting our mistakes and challenges with loving acceptance means that we can do the same for our partners.
Libby:
Also, when we accept that messing up or falling short is something that everyone goes through, it's easier to feel connected to others rather than feeling the inclination to disconnect and hide. And when our partners screw up or hurt us, we are able to connect their behavior to our own, which makes it easier to soften to them instead of responding with harshness or blame. And just as self compassion can foster a belief in our own individual capacity to grow, so too we can believe in the capacity of those we love to grow and change. And indeed, for the relationship between us to grow, we can say to each other, okay, that didn't work. Let's repair and let's be compassionate and gentle with each other, and let's see how we can do better next time. But before we can get to that compassion for those that we love, we must start with compassion for ourselves. There are many ways to practice self compassion and build that muscle. And I'll link to Kristen Neff's website for a whole bunch of resources she has created.
Libby:
But because you are probably overwhelmed already, I'd like to offer you one practice that you can use right now as you move through this stressful season. First, as you reflect on where you are falling short, tune into the feelings that are coming up. Can you name any emotions that are present for you? Scan your body to see where those feelings might be living. Notice any places where you feel tension or clenching or places that feel tight or hot. If some critical thoughts come up, just notice them. Listen to them with patience and create a little bit of distance from them. You can actually use some of the tools that I offered from the emotional boundaries practice and the active listening practices. With your inner critic, you can create that little bit of distance.
Libby:
You can reflect back what your inner critic is saying to you and maybe name some of the feelings and hard things it's telling you. Next, remind yourself that you are human and that mistakes are part of life for everyone. You not being your best self does not mean there's something wrong with you or that you're a screw up. Think of other people who you admire and care about. Do they not also struggle, screw up and fall short? You know they have, and you know that they do. Everyone does. Finally, imagine as you think about how you want to rewrite your inner critic, imagine that you are speaking back to yourself as if you were speaking to a dear friend. What would you say then? What words of comfort and support would you offer? And again, you can use my suggestions that I offer in the emotional boundaries.
Libby:
Practice for soothing, but use them for yourself. Offer that soothing and care and kindness to that part of you that's having a hard time. And I encourage you to speak back to your inner critic, not with harshness or anger or defensiveness, but with love. If you want, you can even give yourself a hug, or clasp your hands together, or cup your face in your hands to provide some compassionate touch. So that's the practice. That's it. And I encourage you to actually do this practice. You might be listening to this podcast and you might hear my case for why it's important to be self compassionate.
Libby:
And you might agree. Sure, yeah, self compassionate. Great idea. But if you're used to letting your inner critic have a go at you, it's actually going to take some intention and effort to practice something different. You're going to have to catch yourself in that negative self-talk and pause, take a breath, and then do this practice in order to overwrite it. And it might feel silly or awkward at first, but you can practice some self compassion around your self compassion. Oh, how meta. Anyway, to recap being hard on ourselves or others doesn't motivate anyone to do better, but instead leaves us stuck in shame and dizzy on the contempt merrygoround to move through tension, stress, mistakes and setbacks.
Libby:
Instead, cultivate self compassion. There's a pile of research that overwhelmingly shows the benefits. So instead of being your worst critic, practice being your best friend. Your life and your relationships will be better for it.
