Offer or Request?
Libby discusses the distinction between offers and requests in relating and how important it can be to make sure you're saying what you actually mean.
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Transcript
Like, I could tell you all day long and you might even nod your head and agree with me how important it is to practice making requests. And if you don't know why something inside you won't do that. Then again, I could give you all the scripts in the world, and it still might not help you unlock whatever it is that is stuck for you there. But maybe me naming it for you in this episode will help you a little bit in the first step of just sort of understanding that, like, oh, yeah, I am one of those people. I never ask for anything unless it's a four alarm fire. And then if it's ever a no, I'm devastated. And then my partner says that they're afraid that they can't say no to me. And that feels horrible to me because I feel like I hardly asked for anything.
I'm going to start today's episode by asking you two different questions.
Now, caveat. They may sound the same, but they're two completely different questions. And so I really want you to pause, and I will pause after each one. Just give you a moment to really sink into how does one feel versus the other? What do you notice? So first question, would you like a hug? Second, would you be willing to give me a hug? Do you notice the difference between those two questions? Well, I'll go ahead and tell you. One question is a request. One is an offer. I cannot tell you how many people I meet through my work who really struggle with the difference between a request and an offer. So we're going to talk about it today.
So I have shared this on my instagram before and I will link to it in the show notes. But there's this beautiful infographic that Kai Chang Tom created inspired by Betty Martin's work. And Betty Martin, I've mentioned her before on this show, she created the wheel of consent. Kai Chang Tam created this beautiful spectrum of consent where it goes from, I think, actually right to left rather than left to right, where there's wanting or make. This is what makes me feel good. This is what I like. There's willing, which gets a little smaller. This is something I'm okay with, something I'm fine with, or I'm happy to do for someone else, but it's not really for me, wanting, willing.
And then there's tolerating, which is this is something I'm putting up with because, you know, there's something that I'm going to get out of it that I do want, but I don't really want this part. And I'm not even really willing for this part, but I just put up with it. And then there's enduring, which is this is hurting me, actually. But I don't feel like I can say no or I'm stuck in a situation where I'm saying yes to one thing and I'm stuck with this other thing that's hurting me, that's enduring. And, you know, the tolerating and enduring parts we're not really going to talk about today, but I really want to talk about this difference between wanting and willing and how important it is to make the distinction because I think a lot of people think it's only okay to want something if the other person wants it. And so a lot of times we'll phrase a request like this. We'll say, do you want a hug? When what we really want is a hug. Because we don't want, and I get why.
Like, we don't want to do something with someone else if they don't want it. But sometimes we have to. I think in all kinds of relationships, what we don't want to do, of course, is we don't want to give them a hug if they're going to be tolerating it or enduring it. So I think when we're saying, do you want a hug? What we're really asking is, would this be okay with you or would this be harmful to you right now? We're not necessarily asking, is this something you are craving or desiring for yourself right now? But again, it's murky. Because sometimes, maybe that is what we're asking. You know, sometimes you can kind of tell the difference. Like, someone will say, do you want a hug? And you can tell by the tone of their voice and their body language that they're not asking if you want a hug. They are asking for a hug, which is different.
That would be, are you willing to give me a hug or may I have a hug? That is a request. When you're saying, do you want? That's an offer. And for me, because I'm very neurodivergent and words really matter to me and I get really hung up. If someone asks me if I want something and what's really going on is they want something, I feel a little manipulated and I'll go into why, which is, I think, what's happening for that person who. I mean, sometimes, like I said, it might just be messiness of language. Like, they're just not using the precise words, but you can tell by their tone of voice and by their body language that they are, in fact, making a request. But I do think there are some people who really have a hard time expressing and owning and being with their own desires without putting that desire on the other person. And this is a boundary thing, honestly, it's like the ability to say, I would really like a hug, and it's okay that I want it, even if you don't.
Like I want it. And I could make this request, and my want can exist next to you're not wanting. Like, you could not even be willing. You could be, it's cool that you want to hug. I am not up for that right now. I don't want any physical touch, and that would be okay. But I think a lot of people really struggle to have a want alongside someone else's uncertainty of their answer, but definitely alongside the possibility of a no. And I was talking about this with a client the other day, and I think that this isn't true for everybody, for sure.
I think we all have our different reasons why being in our desire feels unsafe or scary for this particular client. What came up was, if I ask for something and it's a no, then I shouldn't have asked because I have asked for too much, and there's already. Everybody's already full, and so I shouldn't be asking for things that are not already being given to me. And I think a lot of us have that in us. Like, you're a good person, you're a good kid. If you don't, if you don't make trouble, if you're not difficult, if you don't have needs, right? And especially if you don't have needs that are going to impose on other people. So I think it's really common for people to really struggle for that reason. But I think there are a whole host of reasons.
Another reason that I can think of where it might feel unsafe to express a want with a lot of uncertainty about what the answer will be is that some people might have had the experience of their wants and desires being turned against them, being used against them, being used to manipulate them. And so it's better to stay wantless and needless so as to not be able to be manipulated in that way to be messed with. Another reason why it can be hard to ask for something without knowing whether it's a no or not is just cultural. Like, I think there are a lot of cultures where it is more acceptable socially to hint around about what you want and then hope it gets offered to you rather than to state what you want to make that request as a request without the certainty of a yes or a no. You know, we call this guesser culture that's been written about, and I'll link the original, I think, metafilter article about it. And so it's, you know, it's just the idea that you're never supposed to ask outright for what you want and you're never supposed to force anybody into the uncomfortable position of having to say no to you because it's just very uncomfortable if you're, if you're in that guesser culture. Why do I think this is important for non monogamy? Because I really think we have to be able to talk about what we want and what we don't want. And I think when I think about consent, which is, again, the spectrum of consent that Kai Chang Tom created, it's really important to know what you're opting into and why.
And I think also when my question isn't, do you want a hug? But my question rather is, can I have a hug? But I'm saying, do you want a hug? And then the person I'm speaking to says, yes, I'm off the hook for receiving anything from them. Or I'm receiving, but kind of on the sly because I'm assuming it's for them because they just said that they want it, which means I can tell myself that it's not for me, but I'm kind of getting what I need. And I think it's Marcia Bazinski is the one who called this desire smuggling, which is just not saying your desire outright and just trying to kind of get it through manipulation or, and again, I don't think this is intentional. I don't think this is malicious. I think this is just coming from people where stating what you want felt really unsafe or receiving a no felt really unsafe or just uncouth. But when I think about how good I feel when my partner makes a direct request of me, and then I think about it and then I think, yes, I would love to do that for you. I would love to do that for you. I just even wonder when I say that, how many of you kind of go, ooh, I would love to do that for you.
Ooh, that's uncomfortable for some people. That's also a piece of it, too. Is feeling indebted to someone. If they make a request and then the answer is yes, but it's for them, then they have to be in this receiving position. And again, I think a lot of people find receiving really uncomfortable. When Betty Martin has talked about the wheel of consent, the quadrants that she says a lot of people struggle with are the quadrants where receiving is happening. And again, I can see why, because receiving, I think, is just incredibly vulnerable, and it does put you in a place where somebody could exploit that vulnerability. And so if that's in your past, anywhere, it might feel more unsafe for you to receive.
And at the same time, how important is it to allow your partner or friend or loved one to give to you? Because being needless and wantless and never being able to receive creates this power dynamic. And then, sure, you're not vulnerable, but you're also kind of walled off from your partner. And I don't know, as a person who really likes the flow of giving and receiving in a partnership or in a friendship, when I feel blocked from being allowed to give and also to say no, because that's the tricky thing about this, is that it both blocks you from saying yes and having it be a gift. And it also kind of blocks you from saying no because it feels like it's this offer for you. And although I've gotten really good these days, if somebody asks me, do I want something, and I know it's a request, like, I can sense that it's a request, I say, well, I don't want it for me, but do you want it? And if they haven't done any work around this, they kind of go, well, no, no, of course I don't want to, and it's fine, whatever. But again, then that blocks. That makes the saying no really uncomfortable, too. There's a disruption in the connection when saying no happens, and this can also happen when requests are really uncomfortable, and so you don't make very many of them.
In fact, you only make requests when you absolutely need the answer to be yes. And you think because you haven't asked for very much all along and so you haven't been very imposing, that the times that you do ask where it has to be a yes, that you're kind of entitled to it because you haven't asked for much. But again, then you're taking away your partner's ability to say no. And so you're taking away their agency. So you're both taking away their opportunity to say yes and give to you. And also, if you are this type of person who really has a hard time receiving or asking, then you get stuck in this place of only asking when it's life or death. And then what? If your partner's a no, then they're a shit partner to you. And it's devastating.
And you have a horrible fight. It's not pretty. Or you're just devastated and you feel horrible and your partner feels horrible. And also, it feels like there was no choice. There was no choice. So what do we do? What do we do? Again, if you're in this camp of someone who is struggling in receiving, if receiving is really hard and scary for you, it's probably worth doing some inner work with a qualified professional to really dig into. Why? Because there might be some healing in there for you. Like, I could tell you all day long, and you might even nod your head and agree with me how important it is to practice making requests.
And if you don't know why something inside you won't do that. Then again, I could give you all the scripts in the world, and it still might not help you unlock whatever it is that is stuck for you there. But maybe me naming it for you in this episode will help you a little bit in the first step of just sort of understanding that, like, oh, yeah, I am one of those people. I never ask for anything unless it's a four alarm fire. And then if it's ever a no, I'm devastated. And then my partner says that they're afraid that they can't say no to me. And that feels horrible to me because I feel like I hardly asked for anything. Yeah, I would seek some support around that because I think your reasons for landing there are probably really individual.
But if you're not sure and you want to just play around with this a little bit, a place where you could work this muscle is to practice making requests about little, little things and just see what happens. So again, I'm going to break this down very simply. It's a request. If you are asking with the words, would you be willing? Would you be willing. I want you to burn that into your skull. Would you be willing? And, like, for little things, like, would you be willing to close the door over there? Would you be willing to grab me a blanket? Would you be willing to just stroke my hair for a minute? Would you be willing to grab me a glass of water? It's my favorite one around, little things. And see, first of all, what happens in you when you ask, when you make a request like that, a low stakes request, using the phrase would you be willing to someone? And then I want you to notice what happens when the person you ask says yes or no, because there's so many different ways someone can respond when the question is, would you be willing? And if you're on the receiving end of a would you be willing? Question you have, again, you have many ways you can respond, but first you want to always pause and think to yourself, am I willing? Am I willing with a whole heart, without resentment, to do this thing, whatever it is? And then you can say, you don't have to give an enthusiastic answer, absolutely. I would love that.
And in fact, the more you can make it about them and not about you, the better. But you can say, sure, you can say, I don't know, but let me try. You can also say no, but you can say no in a bunch of different ways that can still support the, the person who's asking so that they don't feel horrible, so that they can maybe unlearn some of the feelings that they have in them. That if I ask and it's a no, then I am bad or I shouldn't have asked. So one way is to just affirm that you're glad they asked, so you can say, oh, my gosh, thank you for asking. I can't right now, but I really appreciate you asking and also maybe affirm the relationship. You can say, and I want you to know that I love you and I care about you and that I can't do this right now doesn't affect how I feel about you. And it isn't any indication of how much I care.
That might be more words than you want, but something that conveys that. Thank you for asking. I love you so much. I wish I could. That's another good one. I wish I could, and I can't right now. Another way you can say no is thanks for asking. I can't do that.
But here's a counteroffer. Would it be helpful if I did this? I love no with a counteroffer because it's not an end to the conversation. Sometimes people think when they say a no that they have to be sort of firm and maybe even a little harsh. And I think you can say no in a loving and affirming way and in a way that continues the connection and creates opportunity to have that giving and receiving, even if, even if the thing that the person's asking for just isn't right for you or it's not in your capacity in that moment. And then if you are on the receiving end of a no and that's uncomfortable for you, here is the practice that I want. I want everyone to bring this practice into their relationships. I want this practice backwards, forwards, upwards, down. Whenever anybody says no to anybody in an adult partnered relationship.
And I'm not talking about with kids, right. Because kids, it's a different, it's slightly different story. When someone says no to you, affirm that. Thank you for telling me no. Thank you for trusting me enough to say no. Thank you for taking care of yourself. Thank you for telling me how you're feeling. I'm so glad you said no.
This is easier said than done sometimes. But this is why I want you to practice. If this kind of making direct requests and not being sure about whether you're going to have a no or a yes. So good to practice at a low stakes level so that you can mean it when you say thank you for saying no, because you're getting the information that you need to proceed accordingly. No is good data. All right, so that's on the request side of things. Now, offers are a totally different thing. Offers are great.
I love offers. Offers are. I'm wondering if you might like this. And what I love about offers is that when you're making an offer to somebody, you are hopefully detached from whether they say yes or no, because it's not about you, it's about them. So if you're offering to do something with them, whether it's physical, whether it's going to dinner, whether it's asking them out on a date, you're saying, would you like to? Or do you want to? So again, it's not you. Are you willing? It's not for you, it's would you like to? Do you want to? And then if you're on the receiving end of this question, then my encouragement to you is to pause, check in with yourself and check in. Am I in the wanting place here? If this is a gift for me, do I want it? Would you like a shoulder massage right now? Hmm. Check in with my shoulders? Ah, that sounds wonderful.
Yes, please. Yes, please is a great response to an offer. If that's how you're feeling, you could also say, sure, that could be good. Also an acceptive answer. This is where I quibble with the fries model. I do not think that all consent has to be enthusiastic. You can say yes. Maybe I might like that.
You can say yes. Please. I'd love that. You can say, I'm not sure if I'm going to love that, but I'll try it. Would you like this piece of pie? Oh, I don't know. Let me try it and see. I'll have a bite. The great thing about offers is you can say thank you to those super easily, right? If it's an offer and it's for you, you can say, thank you, and then you can say, I don't think this is for me.
If you're a no, you can say, thank you. I'm so glad that you offered, and you're so wonderful, and I don't think this is for me. And I think that's a little bit better than no, thank you. Because again, when I hear a no, thank you, I mean, I think those are fine, but I think sometimes the tone, again, if it's this, I need to keep out what I don't want in, which is great boundary work. Sometimes it can come a little harsh, you know? So again, if somebody's trying to give you something and they're making you an offer, I know this is wild, but you could. You could try this. You could try saying, no, I don't want a shoulder massage right now. Is there anything else you want to give me? Or you could make a counter request.
If that person is really wanting to give you something that you want, giving them feedback about what you actually want might be what they actually want to hear. And again, you got to check in on that. Like, you could even say, no, I'm not up for that right now, but could I make a counter request? Are you open to that? And then, of course you're making. Then that's putting you into that zone of now you're making a request, and the person may be a yes or a no. Ooh. But I just think that the simple thing, this simple thing, knowing whether you're making an offer or a request, knowing whether it's for you or for the other person, can be so powerful for making people feel. Feel more free, more loving with their boundaries, and more comfortable with consent. So, to close, here's your homework.
If you're listening, which is practice this play around with are you willing? Do you want to, would you like, would you be willing? And also another one you can throw in there is just a statement of desire I would really like. It's not a request. It's not a offer. It's just a statement of desire. And then the person can pick that up or they can not. So it's a little less pressure if you want to go really light on the pressure, if you've got somebody who's really, really sensitive to pressure, you could state desires. Oh, babe, I'm so glad you told me that that's what you're feeling right now. That's really all you have to say.
Unless you are feeling like you want to make an offer or a request in response. So play around with this, and I encourage you to play around with this in, you know, non sexual settings, but also in sexual settings I'll throw out here, too, that I think, you know, making offers and requests in sex is something that I think we don't do enough, and I think we can especially get tripped up on making an offer when it's really a request. And one thing I really hate about a lot of consent, like, teaching is around, like, asking for permission. Like, that consent is asking for permission. So may I do this thing, or would it be okay? And I really like just getting rid of would it be okay? And instead, you know, would you be willing, or would you like. And, yes, you can do. Would you be willing? If it's something you want to do to the other person, would you be willing to let me. Da da da da da.
Would you like. Da da da da da. I really want to. Da da da da da. What would you really like? I think that sounds way sexier. And also, then it's. Then it kind of puts the person in the position of thinking, oh, is this for me? If it's for me, what do I really want? If it's for you, am I cool with it? Am I cool with giving this to you? It just makes it cleaner. And again, sometimes you will find yourself in the place where you both want the same thing.
Of course. That's great. That's great. Sometimes you'll make a request, and the person won't even hesitate because they want to do that thing. But I just think being clear here can just clean up so much. So, yeah, play with this and let me know how it goes. Happy requesting and happy offering.
