The Still Face
Libby talks about the effect withdrawal patterns can have on our nervous systems, and how to navigate that if it is showing up in your relationship.
Transcript
What I want you to know if you've been in this situation though, is that if one of the things that's happening for you is you have a big, painful reaction to having someone you love, withdraw from you. That isn't anything to be ashamed of it isn't needy. It isn't pathetic. What I want you to know is that, that reaction is a wired-in biological reaction. And to illustrate this point, I wanna talk to you about something called the still face experiment.
In today's episode, I wanna talk about a particular relationship experience, where you are in a relationship and say there's some kind of rupture in the relationship and you are the sort of person who, when you sense that rupture, you wanna repair it right away. You wanna fix it. You wanna get back into connection and back into harmony and back into closeness as soon as possible. And unfortunately, you have a partner who doesn't wanna do that with you when that's happening. Instead, what they need is they need space or they withdraw emotionally. When there's a rupture. When they're upset, I wanna say if you are a person who tends to find yourself in the role of like the seeker of connection, that pursuer type role, I want you to know that I see you and it super sucks to be in that position. I, I know because that's the position that I often take in a conflict.
And for me, it's because I think I know how to fix things. I think I know how to make things better. I'm really articulate. I'm really capable of sharing my feelings and I'm really open to hearing what's going on for the other person. So when my partner withdraws or goes cold or disconnects, emotionally, or disassociates or whatever might be going on, and I just can't get to them, it can be just agonizing, honestly. And it can be especially hard if maybe I'm trying to respect their need for space or their need to not engage with me in that moment. But then time goes by and I still can't get them if I feel really unresolved, or if I feel really worried that maybe something's happening inside them. And they're starting to, you know, disconnect, even more, maybe I'm afraid of abandonment in the past. I think the way that that could show up for me, and maybe it shown up for you is that you pursue them, right?
You chase them down and maybe you push, maybe you insist, or maybe if you get kind of used to this pattern of withdrawal with them and you feel like that they're always gonna kind of pull away from you. If you need to address something, then you might feel like I, I gotta resolve this right now. I gotta push in, even though they're withdrawing from me, because if I don't do it now, I'm not gonna get it later, cuz they're gonna go away and they're not gonna wanna come back to it because you know, they're not gonna wanna come back and by pushing and getting emotional and getting upset, you can get really dysregulated and that's gonna make you look like you're not in control of your emotions. It's gonna make you look like the bad guy. Especially if you get super escalated, if you start yelling or just, you know, visibly upset.
And if that kind of behavior is hard for your partner to deal with, which is why they're withdrawing in the first place, that's just gonna cause them to withdraw more, which is gonna make you feel bad for having all those emotions and getting all ramped up. Right? And that can be just a super bad cycle because if you get to a place where you start feeling for any kind of discord or for feeling any kind of emotions, you might try to start pushing them down or figure out ways to be okay with things. When maybe you're not just so that your partner doesn't withdraw on you and that's not good. If there are things that aren't okay for you and you can't bring them up, that's not good. If there's something that your partner's upset about and you can't figure out what it is and get that resolved, that's not good.
And if you don't feel like you can work through stuff, because you're afraid that if you try that, you're just gonna lose connection what's gonna happen usually is well either you're just gonna be constantly stuffing your emotions or trying to figure out how to let things go when they're stuck or, you know, you're probably just not gonna be able to hold it in anymore at a certain point. And then you might blow up or just bubble over and not in a regulated careful kind way. And then again, that's more likely to get exactly what you don't want, which is, your partner's gonna get upset and then withdraw and then you're gonna pursue and escalate. And then you're gonna feel embarrassed and ashamed for losing it. And then your partner may even shame for it because they've been super calm and just, you know, doing their thing and taking their space.
And you know, maybe they might even say that you're violating their boundaries or not respecting them. It, it's just a really tough cycle that you don't wanna get stuck in, but it can feel like this false choice between, you know, either I gotta stuff it all down and not feel anything or I have to, you know, explode all over them in order to get my needs met. And again, I also wanna say withdrawal can happen. Even if you are not trying to bring something up to your partner, your partner could go into withdrawal because they're upset at you about something, something you've done and they aren't gonna confront you about it and help you make it better help. You know what you've done instead, they just pull away. Maybe they pull away to deal with their pain, or maybe they pull away to retaliate.
That can also happen. And sometimes you can't tell the difference because sometimes, the partner can pull away. And then the partner that is seeking that closeness and that connection, that repair, they feel punished anyway. And they feel scared that they've messed up and they feel so eager to fix your feelings. And that can sometimes go into this like fawning experience where, you know, your partners withdrawn on you. And you're so upset that they you've done something wrong and they pull the connection away from you. And so you'll do anything to get it back, which could mean even apologizing when you're not even sure what you did, or maybe you don't feel like you really did anything wrong, but you just want that connection back. Some things that I know I felt in this kind of position, I felt like desperate. I felt pathetic.
I felt out of control or more unstable. I've also felt like I'm too much. I felt powerless and frustrated. I felt punished and I felt stuck because maybe I've messed up and I can't make it better because the person that I wanna connect to won't connect to me or tell me what's going on. And I think another big thing I've felt in this position is shame, shame that I can't be just cool with this, whatever it might be. And I've also maybe felt hurt because maybe I've had this feeling in this kind of dynamical. Like my desire for connection is out of balance with my partners. And that can really be painful. What I want you to know if you've been in this situation though, is that if one of the things that's happening for you is you have a big, painful reaction to having someone you love, withdraw from you.
That isn't anything to be ashamed of. It isn't needy. It isn't pathetic. What I want you to know is that that reaction is a wired-in biologic goal reaction. And to illustrate this point, I wanna talk to you about something called the still face experiment. Now the still face experiment is a very famous psychological experiment by Ed Tronick. And you might remember I've mentioned Ed Tronick before because he's also done a lot of research with parents and children around repair. And so I spoke about him on my episode about repair because Ed Tronick found that it's really, really common for very healthy, loving parents and children to miss each other way more often than they get each other. And for parents, the thing is not to always do everything perfectly, but that when there is a rupture or a misfire that there's repair, that there's reconnection, that there's making it better, that there's improvement.
So Ed Tronick also did this other thing called the still face experiment, which speed to this experience of sudden withdrawal. And you can do a Google search, I think, and find a video of the still face experiment, I think. And I encourage you to watch it. I encourage you to- It's quite agonizing actually, but I'm gonna describe it to you now. So the still face experiment is again, it's parents and children diads, usually a mother and a child. And the child is usually non-verbal like, so one, one years old about is when a lot of these experiments were done and the mother would be with the child in the room and they would be playing together, you know, connecting, having a grand old time. I think usually the kid has like a little toy dinosaur and the mom's pretending to feed the dinosaur and then pretends to feed the kid.
And then the kid pretends to feed the mom and it's all just hunky Dory. And then the investigators instruct the parent to look away and then look back at the child, but with a completely blank expression and no longer connect to the child at all emotionally anymore. So the parent still right there hasn't left, but just like emotionally gone, not connecting anymore. And the child has a very predictable series of stages that they go through in reaction to this experience, the first one is just like, Hey, where'd you go? You wanna play? You wanna play? They kind of maybe wave the toy at the mom. They try to be cute. They try to smile and then they can't get any connection. They can't get anything. And so then they, they kind of pull away. They go, they withdraw a little bit, they shut down a little bit.
And then after a very short time, they lose it, like crying, screaming, reaching for the parent, like just they're they are completely decompensated is I think the psychological term for it. But they're just, they're like, they're, they're unhinged. They're freaking out. This whole thing takes three minutes, three minutes after three minutes, the parent looks away again and looks back at the child, and then suddenly everything's back. She's back. They're reconnecting. They're playing again. Usually, you know, at this point there would be a repair. Oh my gosh. Where did mommy go? I'm back. Everything's okay. Nothing's nothing's wrong. It's all right.
Now I wanna be clear. Three minutes of disconnection is not traumatizing to children. They can handle that. I don't know if you're a parent, but I know I have had moments when I just can't deal with my kids and I go blank with them. And it's, it's not, it's not an unforgivable offense. The reason why I tell about this experiment, kids can handle a little bit of stress. We can all handle a little bit of disconnection. We can all handle, even getting really upset about it. But I just wanna honor that the upset feelings that happen are totally valid. It is valid. If you feel powerless and desperate, when your partner withdraws and disconnects, it is reasonable for you to feel scared for you to feel punished for you to feel hurt. Withdrawal can even sometimes feel as aggressive as being yelled at and, and withdrawal can absolutely also to be clear, be used in a retaliatory, passive, aggressive, punishing, manipulative, and weaponized way.
Absolutely. Under the worst of circumstances, withdrawal can even be a tool of control and abuse and withdrawal. Doesn't even have to be physical, right? As an, in the experiment, someone can be right there next to you and have just gone blank and cold and robotic and disconnected. For me, that's actually like way more painful than if they had just gotten up and left and taken some space for themselves. It’s like, yeah, I can see you you're there, but I can't get to you. It's like I said, it's honestly one of the most agonizing relational experiences for me. And so I need you to know if you feel that way too, it's really normal. And withdrawal is also a normal stress response for some people in the same way that wanting connection for you is the stress response. Some people find safety behind walls, either physical walls like going away or psychological walls shutting down, going cold.
This is a documented stress response. It lives in the nervous system in a different place than the, you know, fight or fix stress responses. Especially if it's more of a going cold, but there are all kinds of reasons why people will go into this withdrawal, this flight, or this freeze response with someone else. They might have had a lot of intrusiveness or a lot of instability growing up. And the only place that they could feel safe was by containing it all within themselves. That might be like a very learned practice process for them. Or it might be that in their upbringing, they just didn't have a lot of exposure to conflict and strife and emotions. And it's just very uncomfortable for them. And so, you know, they, they withdraw just out of habit because that's what they experienced growing up too. Whenever they expressed an emotion, they, or got their emotional needs met.
And so they don't actually know how to be with anybody. Else's some people really have boundary difficulties here and they just don't actually have the ability to hold onto their own experience or their own feelings in the presence of someone else's big feelings. Some people have a really big shame response when being that someone isn't happy with them. And so they can't stay regulated and present with someone else when they're unhappy with them. So also withdrawal can absolutely, like I said, be, be retaliatory, but it can feel retaliatory even when it's not a lot of times I think withdrawal isn't this intentional punishing thing. And in fact, sometimes your need for closeness and the other person's need for space are actually, you know, just equal and opposite reactions to the same stress. That doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean that something you wouldn't wanna work on. It's just that if that person is having that kind of response, it might not be something they're intentionally doing to you.
So what can you do about it? Well, you already know what not to do. If you are a person who seeks closeness and stress and your partner isn't available for that because they need to withdraw or they've gone cold, don't push don't pursue them. Don't chase them down. Don't insist that they connect with you when they either can't or won't just because I am telling you that it is valid to want to do that. And that your nervous system is having a reasonable reaction by going bazongcas. That doesn't mean that you're entitled for your partner to fix that for you, especially if they've communicated, they're not available for that. Instead, what that is is it's escalating and it is boundary violating.
I wanna say that again. So you really hear it. If your partner withdraws, even though I am telling you that you are having a nervous system reaction to that is totally valid. That does not mean you're entitled to push them, intrude, pursue them. That is escalating and boundary violating just because you need connection. And that need is totally valid. Doesn't not mean you are entitled to it whenever you want it all the time from anybody who you are in relationship with. Okay. And it sucks. It sucks to need it and to not be able to get it when you need it. Okay. But you have to let that part go.
Instead, I invite you to practice self-soothing in those moments. And I know this is probably not revelationary to hear me say self soothe, but when I say self soothe, what I mean is really self soothe. That doesn't mean squash your feelings. That doesn't mean try to practice detachment and let it all go. What I mean is hold space, loving space for your own emotions. Remember there is nothing to feel ashamed about, about the intensity that you are feeling what's happening, feels bad, and you are allowed to feel it's not your fault that your partner's withdrawing right now. That may be something that they just need to do because of how their nervous system is working. Or maybe they're really just not capable of doing something different, even though it's hurting you. So it's not your fault. So you can still day out of shame.
Also, try to stay out of blame because that's just another way of discharging pain. Instead of just holding it lovingly, they may really be hurting you with their withdrawal and your hurt is valid, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're the bad guy that they are trying to hurt you. Although I do have something to say about the us later on, it can be really appealing to blame the withdrawal for your pain, but it is way more impactful if you just practice holding yourself lovingly in that pain and just being really gentle and caring with yourself and giving yourself the nurturing that you need in that moment. And I mean, also if you need tender connection, it's, you can seek out other supportive people to help you with how you're feeling. I definitely do that. And this is a great thing about being non-monogamous and having multiple points of hopefully emotional support for you.
Although even if you're monogamous, I hope you have that, with friends and family members and such. Anyway, the key thing is get regulated because if you are acting out of your stress response, it's just gonna continue the loop and make things worse. Once you've gotten to a more regulated place, see if you can just give the person the space that they're needing and let them know that like to communicate to them, Hey, I see that you need space. I want you to know I'm taking care of myself right now, too. And when you're ready to, I would like to reconnect. And then that is the moment when you can sort through what happened, hopefully, and also hopefully sort through what it was like for you to experience that withdrawal and hopefully get some kindness and caring from them.
Now I wanna address the issue, which is that, what if like, this is just like a pattern that you're locked into and you, anytime you bring up anything or rock the boat or bring up anything difficult, even if you circle back to it after you've reregulated you get withdrawal again. Okay. So that's where I have to speak to my withdrawals now. Okay. Y'all you are not off the hook just because I think your stress response is, is valid. I need you to know that while your withdrawal may not be totally within your control, and it may be a deep seated need for creating safety for yourself, especially depending on where you developed that pattern for yourself. It is something that I really recommend you a dressing within your relationship because it is a painful pattern and it is a pattern that can prevent eventually working through difficult things together.
So here are some thoughts I have about what you can do for your partner. If you are in that withdrawal pattern. First, I think it can be, be really useful to get to the bottom of why withdrawal is your strategy when you're stressed again, where is that coming from? Is that something that's always been there? Is it something that developed because you, again, maybe you tried to get your emotional needs met and you were met with withdrawal from your family. And so that's just how you were to hot, to deal with emotions or did conversely, did you have like really intrusive and or explosive or unstable caregivers? And so withdrawal was the only safe place that you could find is withdrawal. A new thing that you're experiencing. Is this something that's showing up just now in this relationship, because there's a lot of instability or explosiveness within your relationship and you used to feel comfortable engaging, but now it just doesn't feel safe.
And so that withdrawal is a new strategy. Those are just some to think about. It's also worth like looking super hard at yourself and saying, am I withdrawing because I'm trying to gain control? Am I withdrawing because I am punishing my partner? Am I withdrawing? Because it's hard to hold onto my own feelings in the presence of another person's because their feelings feel so big and overwhelming, and I love them so much. And you know, but I really need to be able to hold onto my own experience. Is that what's going on? I think it's really useful to get to the bottom of that first because you can't strategize around how to shift it. If you don't know why it's there.
Second, if you know, withdrawal is a pattern for you, it's not like you have to completely get rid of it. Okay. One of the top things I recommend people do when they're stuck in patterns of fighting is to take breaks, slow down, practice self-regulation, but it's very, very different to like abruptly take space and just be inaccessible for days with no promise of return or to just go cold and withdrawn and shut down. Then it is to take space deliberately and lovingly with assurances to your partner that you will come back and when you will return. So you can say something like, Hey, I am noticing that I am having trouble staying in this conversation with you right now. I wanna be able to do that, but I need to take a minute an hour a day to get re-grounded because I'm just, this is really hard for me.
And so I need to do that before. I can revisit the topic with you because withdrawal can be a way of avoiding difficult conversations. And frankly, it can also be a way to evade, accountability, and manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do so that they don't upset you and lose connection. And you can make your partner feel that way, even if you're not intending to remember what I said about that, that feeling of just powerlessness that is there for them. So you have to be relational about it. You have to let them know directly intentionally that you do wanna work it out with them and then help them with ways to communicate with you. That will help you stay in the calm conversation. Maybe you need to take a lot of breaks. Maybe you need to have the conversation, have a time limit so that you know that it's not gonna go on and on forever. Maybe you need to be attentive to when defensiveness or shame is rising up in you so that you can breathe it back down. Maybe you need to be aware of when you start to disconnect or dissociate, maybe you need your partner to put something that they need to say to you in writing first, so that you have time to process it before responding to them. There are so many strategies to help with that withdrawal pattern.
But if you are putting it all on your partner to show up with you perfectly, without giving them any sort of guidance, that's gonna stress them out. And I just wanna be clear. Like there are so many times when I've heard people say, you know, I brought this to my partner and I tried really, really hard to be calm and use nonviolent communication. I use the feedback wheel Libby and they still shut down and withdraw from me. So again, it's not, you can't put it on your partner to show up perfectly with you. You have to help them. And you also have to do some of your own work here. Now on the flip side, if you are the partner who's experiencing withdrawal in your relationship, and that is really preventing you from bringing up important issues that you need to resolve, or if it's making you feel like you're perpetually walking on eggshells and you're afraid of even messing up with them at all because you're afraid they're just gonna yank away the connection at any time.
Please hear me. That is not healthy or acceptable. I think it's okay for you from a regulated place again, after doing that self-soothing, it's okay to address that pattern of withdrawal from your end and ask your partner to work on it with you. And if your partner just simply won't hear it if they blame you, if they refuse to take any accountability for their side of it, then that's kind of a red flag. Again, withdrawal can be a tool of abuse and control. So it's important that if your partner really isn't willing to address their withdrawal patterns and honor how painful it is for you to go through that, they may just not be in a place where they can be a good or safe partner for you. But also if your partner is working on their withdrawal patterns and you're talking about it, you may be in a place where they're working on it, but they're not there yet.
And so you may just have to accept that you both have different roots to safety and account for that when you're having a difficult time, like I said, I'd encourage you to collaborate on this, have a conversation about how you take space and how you reconnect that help you both feel safe. That helps you both feel back to, okay. In addition to having a script of like what you might say when you're taking space, if you're the space taker, it's also good to have a plan of what might happen. Like if you're not ready to re the issue, but you wanna show that you're still there for each other, you're still in connection, cuz that can be really reassuring. So like having a practice of like warming back up to each other and having a really accessible low stakes way to reconnect that is also honoring the needed boundaries of the space taker so that they can have a little more time to get grounded before they approach the difficult topic, whatever it might be.
You know, maybe you can have a practice of sitting on the couch together to watch a show and holding hands, or maybe you meet up for a cuddle and you don't talk or, you know, just even get a cup of coffee together and just be present. Some of that can really make a difference. Sometimes what I need to hear is something like, I know things are hard right now, but I'm still here and I'm, I'm doing what I can do to get back to you. Sometimes that's all that you need is, you know, to just have some kind of agreement that if you need space, that that's gonna be honored, but that that's so that you have room to come back and reconnect. The last thing I wanna say about this is that taking space withdrawing, reregulating coming back together and deep connection and then allowing a little more space to develop and then coming back together and being close again, that expansion and contraction that connection and distance, all of that can be instead of this like toxic loop of pursuer and distance, or can actually be this beautiful breathing in and out within a relationship.
So I guess I wanna normalize that when space is taken in a loving way, when we are both honoring our nervous systems and that they both matter, it can be this really beautiful and wonderful and reassuring thing when someone goes away or even shuts down. But you know that they're gonna come back and you know how they're gonna come back that isn't destabilizing or upsetting instead, it can actually be really loving and passion and caring and the whole experience of that going away and coming back can actually feel grounding and supportive and a way of co-creating safety and security together.
